Making Amends
by Guardian Angel
Summary: Takes place after "Once More, With Feeling." B/S, minor changes made.


Making Amends

By **Guardian Angel** (eyes_only1@yahoo.com)

11/7/01

**Rating:** R (for swearing)

**Spoilers:** Umm…major ones for "Once More, With Feeling," and a few minor spoilers from season one and stuff…

**Timeline:** Takes place immediately after "Once More, With Feeling."

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'em…(although I wouldn't mind borrowing Spike for a little bit…or chaining Giles to my bed and making him sing for me all the time!  And no, not in a perverted way…he's a tad too old for me, thank you! ;-P )

**Author's Notes:** Whew, it feels really good to write again!  After such a long dry spell, it's relaxing…reminds me why I used to write so much!  Although this isn't my normal subject (I usually write for Dark Angel), this season I must admit I've been more interested in Buffy than in DA.  DA's starting to go to crap, and Buffy's making a comeback!  Yay!  Anyway, on with the fic…please, feedback is welcome!  I've never written Buffy fic before (well, I have, but I never finished any of it and it was years ago) so I'm not really sure if I've managed to nail the characters correctly…I may be making Buffy too mature for how she's been acting recently.  But whatever, let me know what you think!

**Dedication:** To Ryan, who's always there when I need someone to lean on, and who makes me happier than I could know.  Everyone should be so lucky as to have a Ryan in their life.  I love you Ry!

Sidenote:  I hope what I did with the songs isn't too confusing, I mixed two of them up within the text…to make it a little clearer, the lyrics that are in italics are from Spike's song "Rest In Peace," and the lyrics that are in italics and bold are from Buffy's song "Through the Fire."  

*****

**_I touch the fire and it freezes me_**

**_I look into it and it's black_**

**_Why can't I feel_**

**_My skin should crack and peel_**

**_I want the fire back_**

****

**_Now through the smoke she calls to me_**

**_To make my way across the flame_**

**_To save the day, or maybe melt away_**

**_I guess it's all the same_**

****

**_So I will walk through the fire_**

**_Cause where else can I turn_**

**_I will walk through the fire_**

**_And let it…_**__

Lost in Spike's kiss, time seemed to stop.  Buffy clung to him, the taste of his lips and the feel of his body against hers the only thing registering in her mind.  

Her mind was abruptly brought back to the present as the sounds of her friends' exit from the Bronze began to register in her head.  They were loud and boisterous, talking animatedly about the "musical" demon they had just vanquished.  

Stepping away from Spike quickly, her hand flew to cover her mouth.  Her lips felt deliciously swollen from his kisses, and she could still taste him on her tongue.  His flavor was delightfully spicy, with just a tinge of wickedness…forbidden fruit.  After all, she was the Slayer, she wasn't supposed to fall in love with a vampire.  And if that wasn't enough to deter her, hadn't she already learned her lesson with Angel?  Once burned, twice shy as the saying went.  She should know better.  

And yet…She stared at him, her eyes wide with a mixture of shock, confusion, and desire.  And yet she couldn't deny her attraction to him.  In fact, after the events of tonight, it was starting to become painfully obvious.  

He was the only one who seemed to understand what she was going through…who was willing to listen to her, to just sit and let her vent her confusion and anger and sadness without trying to comfort her with inane words.  He didn't act like she should be _grateful_ to be alive.  He, too, knew what it was like to die.

As much as she tried to hide it, both of the times that she had died had greatly affected her.  The first time she had Angel to pick her up and dust her off…this time, it felt like she had no one.  As much as they tried, none of her friends could really understand what she was going through.  Part of her longed to run to Angel in L.A. and beg him to hold her, to wrap her in his arms and make it all go away…and part of her, a larger part, was trying to convince her to give in to the man standing in front of her.  Despite their rocky beginning and his evil roots, over the past year or so he'd proven his loyalty to her over and over…hadn't he sworn to protect her sister, even if she failed?  

_"I never forgot my promise."_  Now, as she stared at him, his words floated through her brain.  How could she deny his devotion?  Even after her death, when he could've just said "fuck it" and walked away, chalking it all up to a mistake, or a lost cause, he'd stayed on.  Helping the Scooby Gang and watching out for Dawn.

Once again, her mind was abruptly yanked back to the now as her friends drew up alongside her and stopped, surrounding her in their excited chatter.

"Buffy, wasn't it the funniest thing when Anya was singing about how it could've been bunnies making us sing?"  Willow's voice was falsely happy, her smile just a bit too wide.  Obviously, she was shaken up by the events of the night.

Eventually, she'd have to deal with that.  But not now.  "Great, Will."  

The group started to move on, then stopped when they realized she wasn't coming.  This time it was Giles who spoke up, a slightly puzzled look on his face.  "Aren't you coming, Buffy?"

Trying to act nonchalant, she shrugged.  "Nah.  I'll catch up, I have some…something to do first."  She censored her words at the last minute, not quite ready to divulge her confusion over Spike to her friends.  Sure, they knew about his feelings for her, but it had always been a solid fact that she didn't share those feelings.  One major revelation per night was plenty, thanks. 

"Oh, uh, ok.  We'll see you back at the house then."  Tara smiled at her softly, her eyes full of concern and compassion.  

Was it bad when you started to feel more empathy with your best friend's girlfriend, than with your best friend herself?  As the group moved away, Buffy shook off the thoughts with a visible shudder.  No matter, she had other things to worry about now.  She'd talk to Willow later, when she had a better handle on her emotions.  

After taking a quick second to compose herself, Buffy turned back to face Spike…only to find him gone.

"Damnit."  Raking a hand through her hair, she let out a disgusted sigh.  Go figure, just when she actually _wanted_ to talk about their relationship, to make some sense of things, the frustrating man just ups and disappears.  

***

Bottle in hand, Spike stared at the piece of ground.  It looked ordinary, like every other piece of concrete out there.  But he knew better.  

This is where he had failed.  This was where he had lost her, where she had died…and where, in part, he had died as well.  

_I died, so many years ago_

_You can make me feel like it isn't so_

_Why you come to be with me _

_I think I finally know_

_Mmmm…_

Silly, considering how vampires supposedly can't die.  At least not like a mortal can, anyway.  But still, part of him was lost that day as he had stared at her bloody broken body, normally do vibrant with life.  He'd never forget the way she had looked, so badly bruised and torn, and yet still ethereally beautiful.  

He couldn't begin to explain how he had felt when he realized that the figure coming towards him down the stairs that fateful day was not the Buffybot.  Xander had hit the mark when he'd said that seeing Buffy alive was the happiest day in his existence…Nothing could have made him happier.

Nothing, except being able to take her into his arms and comfort her.  To hug her, hold her close and make her realize that she was not alone, that she could lean on him if she needed to.  

_You're scared, ashamed of what you feel_

_And you can't tell the ones you love _

_You know they couldn't deal_

_Whisper in the dead man's ear _

_It doesn't make it real_

He knew exactly how terrified she must have been to waken in her grave, to realize that she was buried alive.  He knew how painful it was to tear one's way out of a grave…painful both physically and emotionally.  None of her friends could even begin to understand, and yet she still wouldn't lean on him.  It had torn him up inside, knowing that she needed someone to lean on more than ever before, but that she wouldn't let it be him.

_That's great, but I don't want to play_

_'Cause being with you touches me_

_More than I can say_

_And since I'm only dead to you I'm saying stay away_

No one knew he came here.  But he did, often.  Whenever he needed to think and his tomb felt too cramped, he would come here, stare at the ground, or at the remains of the tower, and remember.  

Countless times over the summer he had pondered the thought of moving away, of moving on.  There were countless places out there where he could go, places where he could fade into the shadows and not be bothered…and yet he couldn't leave Sunnydale, and its reminders of Buffy.  Besides, as much as he hated to admit it, the solitary life was starting to get old…As evidenced by Angel's tortured existence, the life of a "good" vampire wasn't overly fun without friends to make it worthwhile.  

_Let me rest in peace_

_Let me rest in peace, let me get some sleep_

_Let me take my love and bury it in a hole six foot deep_

_I can lay my body down but I can't find my sweet release_

_So let me rest in peace_

"Spike."

Startled by the soft whisper, he jerked around, unconcerned with the alcohol that sloshed out of the nearly-full bottle at his abrupt movement.  He hadn't taken more than a few sips.  For some reason, the alcohol didn't seem to be what he wanted tonight.

Tossing the bottle away with an angry jerk of his arm, he faced her, his expression defiant.  His body was taut, tension radiating through his powerful muscles as he stared at her.  

"Spike…"  At a loss for words, Buffy watched him through downcast eyes.  All through her desperate search her mind had been concerned with just one thing- to find him.  Now that she had, she had no idea of what she wanted to say.  "Spike, I…" Frustrated at her inability to find the right words, she sighed deeply and dragged a hand through her hair, tousling the silky strands.  

"Just say it Buffy."  His tone was harsh, his voice raspy with pain and hurt.  "Just tell me to leave Sunnydale, that my presence here is too painful, or too frustrating, or too _tempting_, or whatever.  Just say it and get it over with."  Taking a step towards her, he gestured angrily with his fist.  "It doesn't matter how many times you tell me to leave, you know.  I'm not going anywhere, and you can't make me!  I don't care if you're the Slayer, you can't make me leave if I don't want to.  I'm not bothering anyone, I'm not feeding off of humans, so you can't slay me!  So just deal with it Buffy, I'm _not leaving!_"  By the end of his tirade he was standing two inches away from her, looming above as he glared down into her surprised eyes.  

_You know, you got a willing slave_

_And you just love to play the part that you might misbehave_

_Until you do I'm telling you stop visiting my grave_

_And let me rest in peace_

**_The torch I bear is scorching me_**

**_Buffy's laughing I've no doubt_**

I hope she fries 

**_I'm free if that bitch dies_**

**_I'd better help her out_**

Taking a step back in an effort to compose herself and reduce the tension that was sizzling between them, Buffy took a deep breath.  

"Spike, I wasn't going to tell you to leave.  Why would I?"

"Isn't that what you always do?  When things get tough, either you leave, or you make sure the…complication does?"  His tone was bitter, his eyes dark with pain.

_I know, I should go_

_But I follow you like a man possessed_

_There's a traitor here beneath my breast_

_And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed_

_If my heart could beat _

_It would break my chest_

_But I can see you're unimpressed_

_So leave me be_

Shocked by his words, and more hurt than she'd care to admit, she bit back the first words that came to mind…mainly, _"fuck you."_  Unfortunately, as much as the words hurt, he was right.  She had run away from the difficult, on more than one occasion. 

_And let me rest in peace_

_Let me get some sleep_

_Let me take my love and bury it in a hole six foot deep_

_I can lay my body down but I can't find my sweet release_

_Let me rest in peace_

_Why won't you let me rest in peace_

But finally, after feeling out of the loop for so long, and not knowing what she wanted or where she was headed, she was finally starting to get a clue.  For some reason, saying the words "I was in heaven" aloud that evening had been sort of freeing…even though she hadn't meant to say it, still, it was finally out in the open.  Of course there was a whole 'nother can of worms to deal with because of it, with Willow and the Scooby Gang and all, but she'd deal with it.  At least she didn't have to bite her tongue so often, to hide her feelings.  

**_She is drawn to the fire_**

**_Some people she will never learn_**

**_And she will walk through the fire_**

And let it… 

Finally, Spike had shoved his emotions in her face one too many times…and forced her to face her own, albeit unwillingly.  

"So that's what you think, huh?  That I'm just some immature child who runs away at the first sign of difficulty?"  Suddenly, much to her disgust, she found herself fighting tears.  "You think I can't be mature enough to face the problem and solve it like an adult?"  Her voice was beginning to rise as a single tear trickled down her cheek.  "If that's so, then tell me Spike, why am I here?  Why am I here, standing in front of you, instead of halfway to L.A. by now?"  

"Buffy…That's not exactly what I meant." Against his better judgment he found himself reaching out to wipe away her tears with his thumb.  His finger was gentle against her skin, his touch lingering longer than necessary.  "I meant…Hell, I don't know what I meant."  He turned away from her, staring off into the distance as he talked.  He had sworn to himself that he was never going to beg her again, that he was never going to swallow his pride and confess his feelings to her again…and yet here he was, doing it again.

"I'm hurting, Buffy.  Loving the Slayer seems to go hand in hand with pain.  And yet…as many times as I try, I can't seem to walk away.  Lord knows I should have, long ago.  You made it blatantly obvious that you didn't want me here, that you could never return my feelings."  He stopped for a minute, running a hand over his face.  "Being near you, even if I can't have you, it's all I have left, Buffy.  Where else could a vampire who can't kill anyone fit in, except in a mixed-up town like Sunnydale?  At least here I have someone to talk to once in awhile, someone to remind me that maybe there is a purpose to my existence.  I'm hurting, and for a moment I tried to ease that pain by lashing out at you and making you hurt, too.  Not very noble, I know, but then when have I ever been noble?  I'm just Spike, the useless vampire who can't suck anyone's blood anymore, and who tries to justify his existence by doing the occasional favor for the Slayer and her pals and taking whatever miserly crumb of attention she decides to hand out."  His tone was dark, a bitter half-smile curving his lips.

**_Will this do a thing to change her_**

**_Am I leaving Dawn in danger_**

**_Is my Slayer too far gone to care_**

****

**_What if Buffy can't defeat it_**

Beady Eyes is right we're needed 

**_Or we could just sit around and glare_**__

"I'm scared."  Suddenly she was standing behind him, mere inches away.  She could feel his presence, and found herself fighting the urge to step even closer and wrap her arms around his waist, to rest her cheek against the soft leather of his jacket.  She looked up at his profile, forcing herself to put her feelings into words.  It was too late to back out now; she'd come too far.   They'd come too far.

**_We'll see it through it's what we're always here to do_**

So we will walk through the fire 

"I'm scared to lose you, and I'm scared to let myself care for you.  Between a rock and a hard place, they like to say.  See, either way I'm trapped."  She stopped for a minute, took a deep breath before continuing.  "But see, the thing is, I've already made my choice…now I guess I just have to live with it.  You see Spike, the thing is…"  Her words trailed off as her courage suddenly deserted her, leaving her marooned and feeling helpless.  

"What Buffy?  The thing is what?"  His voice was harsh as he whirled around to face her, their bodies now centimeters apart.  He could feel the heat radiating off her body, the shimmer of vibrant life that was so much a part of her.  "I need to hear the words, Buff.  I've lived off of a smile and idle hope for too long, this time I need the words."  

"I…I care about you, Spike."  Her voice was soft, slightly timid.  

As she realized what she had said, she sighed in frustration.  As much as she'd like to leave it at that, she couldn't.  It wasn't enough; he deserved more.  She took a step away, she couldn't think with him that close, driving her mad with the desire to just grab him and kiss him until they were both senseless and beyond talking. 

"I love you, Spike."  There, she'd said it.  She couldn't take the words back now, even if she was suddenly feeling the cowardly urge to turn tail and run before she saw his reaction.

He faced her, his heart in his eyes.  "You don't mean that.  How could you?  Go on, run along home now, and let me lick my wounds in peace."  He turned away again, his face a mask of indifference.

**_So one by one they turn from me_**

**_I guess my friends can't face the cold_**

But why I froze not one among them knows 

**_And never can be told_**

But this time, she saw it for what it was- a mask.  He was far from indifferent, indeed he was seething with tension and frustrated emotion.  

Overcome with the need to comfort him all of a sudden, she stepped forward, laying her hand on his arm.  "I'm not joking Spike.  I love you."  Her words were little more than a whisper, but he heard her clearly.

Remaining silent, he stared down at her hand, resting so lightly against his jacket.  How many times had he yearned for her to touch him of her own accord, to reach out and lay her hand upon him in a gesture of friendship, of affection?  Oh, she had touched him plenty of times in violence, but this was different.  Much different.

**_She came from the grave much graver_**

**_First he'll kill her then I'll save her_**

**_Everything is turning out so dark_**

**_No I'll save her then I'll kill her_**

**_I think this line's mostly filler_**

It's what they had to strike a spark 

"You don't think I could love you?  You're wrong.  How could I not?  You're loyal, attentive, a great listener.  You don't talk just to hear yourself speak, and you don't say something unless you really mean it, no matter what I want to hear.  You're always there to back me up, or protect my family, more than once you've saved my life now.  As much as you try to hide it behind that bad-ass attitude, you're sweet…and God knows you're sexy!"  She couldn't help adding the last little bit, laughing softly at herself.  Her other arm came up to rest on his shoulder, now she was standing behind him, her arms around him in a loose embrace.  At his continued silence she sighed, finally giving into the temptation to rest her head against the broad width of his shoulders.  "Spike…don't make me beg…please.  Say something."  

Suddenly he swung around to face her, the force of his movement knocking her arms away from him.  His own arms came up to grab her shoulders as he loomed over her, trying to intimidate her.

"You want my love?"  His voice was harsh, his expression angry.  "Then by hell you've got it, you needn't ever doubt that.  But if you don't mean it, if you're just toying with me, fucking with my emotions, you'd better walk away now Missy, or deal with the consequences!"  Then, before she could have a hope of responding, he suddenly jerked her against his body and crushed her mouth beneath his.

She gave in willingly, allowing her mouth to open beneath his assault, and her arms to slide around his waist.  She clung to him, savoring the comforting strength of his arms wrapped around her, holding her close.  

Slowly the kissed softened, deepened, as they explored each other's mouth; the different tastes and textures.  As his teeth nipped oh-so-gently at her bottom lip, a slight moan escaped her throat.  He groaned in answer, running fevered kisses over her cheek and down her neck, teasing the delicate skin with his teeth and enjoying the soft sigh of his name slipping from her lips.  Capturing her lips with his he kissed her once more, finally letting go of the reins he had kept on his passion for so long.  

Finally, with one last, lingering kiss, he pulled back…but not too far.  Refusing to let go of her, he cradled her head against his shoulder and continued to hold her close.  She felt so perfect in his arms, as if she'd always belonged there.

"Buffy…I love you."  A mere whisper, the words were heard anyway.

"I love you too."__

These endless days are finally ending in a blaze 

**_And we are caught in the fire_**

**_The point of no return_**

So we will walk through the fire 

**_And let it burn_**

**_Let it burn_**

**_Let it burn_**

**Let it burn**

*****

Comments?  Criticism?  Rotten tomatoes?  ;-)  Bring 'em on!


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